#probably feel less uncertain about trying something i was previously unfamiliar with if she was someone i liked & trusted more

[sydmarch]

spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually

[sugarmaplewings-fics]

Midnight Ball

Pairing: Todoroki x reader

Warnings: None

Author’s Note:

Day two of Sugar’s Spooky Days/Fall Special

Hehehe I have managed to finish something! Can’t say as much for the Kirishima one, so that might have to be late :(. I should have that one done sometime over the weekend though, so fingers crossed!

I also may or may not have been thinking about Heartless by Marissa Meyer while I wrote that first bit 👀👀 (read it, it’s good, especially if you want to sob your eyeballs out like I did)

I hope you like this one! It was fun for me to write!

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.

You had insisted on not coming to this party.

You, of course, had said this as if you had a choice. Really, as someone with your status, you should have the power to make decisions for yourself. But nooo, as the only daughter of the Marquess and Marchioness, it was your duty to attend the king’s bi-annual masquerade ball. Bother.

So, here you were, all dressed up with little intention to dance or even have fun. You clung to the sides of the spacious dancefloor, hoping to keep to yourself enough that no one would try to talk to you. It was truly dreadful what some of your fellow nobility could come up with for small talk. Exchanging formalities and remarking on politics, only then to run off into a tangent on whatever subject may have recently captured their trivial attention.

You longed to be elsewhere—in a library perhaps, or in your garden, working on sketches in your notebook. Gracious, come to think of it, maybe sleeping would even be the better option. It was dreadfully late.

The king always insisted on throwing such parties as these so late at night, stretching all the way to early hours of the morning. You’d gotten plenty of rest prior in preparation for this autumn Midnight Ball, but between the lack of meaningful interaction and your desire to be elsewhere, you found yourself capturing yawns in your gloved hand.

Your childhood best friend didn’t seem to have this problem. You could see her now, indigo skirts swishing around her ankles as she danced with some green haired man. You couldn’t quite tell if you had ever seen him before, but he was probably from some foreign kingdom. You’d certainly hear all about him tomorrow.

You began to grow antsy at your position on the west wall. Your heels were beginning to make your ankles ache, and your mask was growing progressively warmer with each breath. A glance towards the banquet table told you that the coast was clear for you to browse the selection of food laid out, but your corset made you think twice. Your handmaiden had done it so dreadfully tight.

Curses. Not to her, she had done nothing wrong. Maybe at your mother, who insisted on lacing it up in this way.

You chewed at your tongue. Maybe a walk in the courtyard would clear your head. It would definitely be cooler and not so bright. If you were lucky, you may even be alone.

Gathering your (F/C) skirts in your fists, you strode to the door to the outside, ducking through small gatherings of people and curtseying to the guards positioned at the exit. You knew you had made the right decision as soon as the night air hit your face, a cool October breeze seeping behind your mask and ruffling the feathers that adorned it. A full moon lit your path as you walked further into the manicured gardens. You’d been around here before, yet you still allowed yourself time to admire the hedges and trees closing off spaces of land. Flowerbeds were artfully placed wherever they could fit, although you could tell that most of their plentiful blooming yield had already gone back within themselves for the frosty winter. What you were truly interested in was a small pond located in the back, hidden behind a few bushes at its side.

The clear pool laid stagnant before you as you knelt down to look into it. The light of the moon bounced off your bejeweled costume mask, causing the water to sparkle even brighter beneath you. A large koi fish took notice of your signal, lazily sliding its stout, tri-colored body towards the surface in hopes that you may have brought it some food.

“I’m sorry, little friend,” you whispered to its expectant gaping mouth, “I don’t have anything for you.”

You watched him for another moment, little splashes made by the fish’s fins breaking the stillness of both the silent night air and the pool’s surface.

“You’ve upset him.”

The sound of an unfamiliar voice made you start. You straightened, brushing off the front of your skirt. Turning, you saw the figure of a man standing a few paces away from you. His build was lean and strong, and a mask of his own glittered in the all-encompassing moonlight. It was difficult to make out any identifying features, but a part of you just knew that he was intangibly handsome.

“Sorry?” you said, trying to compose yourself.

Perfect. This was just what you had been trying to avoid: interaction. Maybe he’d go easy on you and let you leave soon, or maybe he could have something genuinely worthwhile to say.

“That fish,” he clarified. “He’s hungry.”

You pursed your lips together in thought as you stole a glance back at the pond. Your koi friend had retreated back to the depths of his home as soon as you had turned your back. The air hummed with silence once more.

“Is he, though?” you asked. “He probably gets fed just as well as any other creature living on the grounds.”

The mysterious man shrugged. “True, but perhaps that’s the most joy he gets out of life.”

“Oh.” You stood there awkwardly for a second in silence, trying to think of a response. “That’s a little . . . grim.”

“Sorry.” He shifted. “I’ve always felt bad for fish.”

“How so?”

He took a step closer to the pond, bending a bit at the waist in order for him to see into it better. “They have less freedom. Little to do, nowhere to go . . . sometimes they remind me of myself a bit.”

“Oh?”

“I’m not terribly fond of my father.”

You blinked, wondering if he was going anywhere with this.

His eyes finally snapped up to yours. The moon caught their shades perfectly, drawing out hints of color that would normally be lost to their own depths. It struck you suddenly that you had seen these eyes before; one a steely silver while the other was a lovely cerulean that nearly seemed to glow. Where had you previously seen these eyes?

“Sorry,” he apologized again. “I didn’t mean to overstep.” He straightened up to properly face you, his posture rigid and practiced, just as you had seen all the other noblemen do your whole life. “My name is Shouto Todoroki, son of Duke Enji Todoroki,” he said, piercing eyes growing a little glassy at the voicing of his own name. He bowed to you, and around the top of his mask, you took notice of his perfectly split bi-colored hair. “My lady,” he said.

“Shouto?” Yes, that was right. You’d met him a few times as children, playing together while your families held council meetings. It had to have been nearly ten years since you’d seen him last, and to be honest, he’d grown into quite the man.

“Yes?” he answered, uncertain.

“It’s me,” you said, lifting your mask a bit to better show off your eyes and features in the dim light. “(F/N) (L/N).”

You watched as he did a double take; eyes scanning you from top to bottom as he put a name to your person. “(Y/N) . . . wow, it’s been a long time.”

You chuckled, fiddling with the material of your skirt between your fingers. “You’re not saying I’m old, now, are you?”

He snorted, his posture relaxing. “Of course not, my lady.”

You began to chat, settling in beside him as you wandered around the gardens together. It was only now that you realized how much you had missed your old friend, finding it shockingly easy to talk with him. He spoke of his father and how he intended for Shouto to take his place in power when his time came. You noted the bitterness he carried in his voice, vaguely remembering the emergence of the issue from the last time you’d conversed. He listened to your own life updates, interested in your hobbies and what you had to say about life and time. In fact, it nearly felt as if no time had passed at all, and you’d remained close throughout the years.

The light of the castle began to creep upon the path ahead of you, and you noticed that you’d circled the entire perimeter of the gardens. Music from the ballroom floated to your ears, and you recognized the tune. Influenced by your improved mood, you began to hum along to a few of the notes, nodding your head to the light, peppy rhythm.

Shouto took notice of this, eyeing you with a small smile gracing his usually stoic face. He sped up just enough to come up in front of you, causing you to halt in your tracks. He bowed before you again, one hand behind his back with the other outstretched for your own. “If I may, could I have this dance? This is your king’s ball, and I believe that my lady deserves at least one before the night’s end.”

An unexpected heat climbed to your cheeks. Why were you suddenly feeling this way? Your childhood friend had certainly grown into quite the handsome young man, but you couldn’t ever remember thinking of him in this manner. He’d only ever shown kindness and respect towards you, and it was only now beginning to weigh on you how much you liked him. But this weight wasn’t in any way unpleasant, in fact, it made you feel giddier, almost light and intrepid. What could one dance together hurt?

You rested your hand in his, the fabrics of your gloves sliding together as your fingers met. His head turned up so he could once again make eye contact, drawing your offered appendage to his lips. They brushed over your knuckles, feather light, and you found yourself wishing that the silken material could have been removed. How soft were his lips truly?

Shouto walked you a few paces away onto an open area in the grass, the fragrance of greenery and crisp evening air wafting through the space. Every surface was bathed in a fine layer of moonlight, giving the world a dark, silvery glow. Shouto’s skin gleamed pale and resembled porcelain, eyes shining behind the contrasting shadows of his mask.

With your palm in his, he guided you closer to him, his other hand alighting on the small of your back.

“The moon highlights your beauty remarkably so. I’ve never felt this . . . enamored by someone.”

You shivered at his words, the gentle intensity of his gaze boring into you. You began to fall into step with the music wavering in the background. The cheerful rhythm made your heart soar as you glided over the grass with your partner. He led you through some practiced steps, others entirely new. Your skirts swirled around your ankles, adding an extra flare to each of your movements. The sound of the hidden orchestra was distant and thin, and yet there was such a feeling that instilled through you, almost as if the music had seeped all the way to your marrow.

You watched as Shouto’s face began to relax into a little smile, twirling you this way, dipping you over his strong arm, pulling you back into his chest. The whole ordeal took your breath away, and even in the cool night air, your cheeks began to ignite in a palpable warmth of their own. Time slowed, and it was as though you’d been his dance partner for centuries, finding a rhythm and flowing together as one.

That is, until a shooting pain fired through your ankle, causing you to gasp and stumble. Shouto caught and steadied you in his arms before you could fall very far, worry clouding over his face.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

You grimaced, shifting your weight on your feet. “It’s my heels,” you explained. “Sorry. They’re not the most . . . practical.”

“Here,” Shouto said, offering you his arm. “Take them off. You don’t need them out here.”

Your face heated once again as you leaned on his outstretched appendage, fishing around in your skirts until you found your foot. Within moments, you were free, feet bare in their thin tights, discarded shoes unbuckled and placed neatly aside on the grass. The both of you found a stone bench nearby, and you sat side by side to help ease the strain on your feet. While you took this bit of a breather, you remarked to yourself how much taller Shouto was compared to you. The sight of how much he’d grown over the years, mixed with this newfound urge to rest your head against his broad chest . . . .

“Are you feeling better now, my lady?”

(Y/N). Your name was (Y/N). He could have just as easily called you as such, and yet, the formality set your heart aflutter.

“Yes, I believe I am. Actually, I’m feeling much better. This party was so dull until you happened upon me.”

Shouto’s smile returned, the slightest shine appearing on his upturned lips. “I haven’t enjoyed myself this much in a long time either. Thank you for accepting my offer to dance.”

You hummed and flashed him a genuine grin of your own.

He averted his eyes suddenly, a new tension gripping his shoulders. “I know we haven’t talked in years,” he began, “but if you didn’t mind, I would like to get to know you again, (Y/N). Our kingdoms aren’t too distant, and I would like to write to you sometime when I return home.”

Your smile widened. “That sounds lovely. I’d love to keep in touch with you.” You let your hand wander over to his, taking it up in your fingers.

Shouto smiled again at your touch, raising your joined palms to press another kiss to your knuckles. “I look forward to your response,” he said, lips brushing against your gloved fingers as he spoke, eyes locked on yours.

You could still hear the band playing in the ballroom. To the king, the night was still young, and the party would continue for some time longer. Within moments, you were on your feet again with him, twirling your body to the tempo of the strings and winds. With stars serving as your only audience, you danced with your newfound partner until the early hours of the morning under the light of a full hanging moon.

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.

Taglist: @aahilovetheatre​ @heartpaw12​ @todoroki-waifu​ @basicaegyo​ @iiminibattlehero​ @katsugay​ @nabo39​ @pyrofanatic​ @sendhelpimstupid​ @sokkasangel​ @xoxopam4​

[mingyus-noona]

Chingu (Joshua)

Title: Chingu Member(s): Joshua (ft. Jeonghan) Fanfiction type: Story, one-shot Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Chapter: 1 Word count: 3,918

I don’t even remember how I got this idea, but it was heartbreaking to write. I wanted to finish and upload it soon, so it didn’t turn out as good as I wanted it to. I also had no idea what to call this, but the title pretty much speaks for itself.

Dedicated to @girlwhojustloveskpop because Joshua is her ultimate bias. Hope you enjoy! ============================================================

Joshua can’t do this. His gag reflex kicks in and his body lurches forward as an automatic response, an attempt to make sure he pukes his guts out into the toilet bowl and no where else. It’s funny how even in a situation like this, he worries about not wanting to disappoint others. Particularly, he wants to make sure he keeps Hansu’s floor clean. If any vomit happens to spill over onto the plush carpet, he will certainly drop back down to the floor and clean it himself, even in his current condition.

With one hand, he pushes his messy, sweaty hair out of his eyes, while he shoves the other balled up hand into his mouth, trying to force himself to throw up again. Both hands were previously gripping the toilet seat and he will probably come down with pink eye or some other infection from it sooner or later, but that’s the last thing on his mind.

He spends the next few minutes with his hand still in his mouth and at least half an hour with his face still pressed into the toilet. He pukes and spits into the porcelain until his mouth runs dry and there’s no saliva left at all. His throat aches from the whole commotion he’s caused, and he must have forced all his stomach’s contents up and out into Hansu’s toilet, which he’s had to flush three times now, both due to the stench and the sheer amount of crap that he’s filled it with.

What should matter is that all the pills are out, that he’s still conscious, even though moments before, he wished he weren’t. How stupid is he that he was really going to try and kill himself? How desperate can he be that he actually let it get to this?

Boy, his parents will flip if they find out he’d gotten tied up with the wrong crowd. When it started, he’d been in Korea for a few months, but he was having a hard time adjusting to it all. Living alone, the amount of time spent practicing, improving his spoken Korean―since he’d mostly used it with just his family―and actually learning how to properly read and write the language. He needed the assistance of another trainee, a kid named Hansol, who spoke English and Korean. Joshua was embarrassed after finding out because when he first saw Hansol, he thought he didn’t speak any Korean at all.

But he feels like an even bigger idiot looking back at when he first met Hansu. He’d been having a really difficult week, so he told Pledis he was sick and then snuck out and spent an entire day at a restaurant, ordering bowl after bowl of ramen, until he physically could not eat anymore.

Hansu had been there long enough to realize that Joshua was not going to relinquish his seat, so he came over and asked to sit down. Joshua would have normally been cautious and politely said no or offered to leave, but he didn’t care anymore and just shrugged.

Hansu was nice, friendly. He asked if Joshua was going through a hard time. And after a small nod, he pushed a folded up piece of paper across the table and silently stood up to leave.

Joshua was not the kind of person to get involved with strangers, no matter how low he was feeling. But over the weeks that followed, even his recently formed bond with the new trainee Jeonghan couldn’t bring Joshua out of his slump. So he gave Hansu a call.

Hansu suggested they meet up at a club, which made Joshua nervous. That wasn’t his scene at all. But he snuck out of the dorm at midnight and went anyway, thankful Jeonghan was already asleep. Had he been awake, he would have stopped Joshua from leaving for sure.

The club was very dimly lit, and the puffs of smoke that trailed from cigarettes and joints made it even harder to see. It took nearly ten long minutes of being shoved up against other club-goers to spot Hansu, and that was only because he noticed Joshua, not the other way around. Within minutes, there was a drink in his hand and a girl by his side, ready to do anything he wanted. He tried protesting, but was eventually coaxed into finishing the drink, even though it tasted awful. The girl, however, he politely declined, saying that he wasn’t like that.

By the end of the first hour, he was regretting even coming out in the first place. But by the second, he was feeling more relaxed, calm. He had no idea it was because Hansu had slipped something into another drink he’d handed over to Joshua. And the two got to talking, back at Hansu’s place, rather than the stuffy, cramped club.

For the first time, Joshua finally thought he’d found someone who could understand at least some of what he’d been through. Hansu had been born abroad as well, but came to Korea for different reasons. Still, that feeling of being different and foreign, especially in the so-called homeland, had hit them both.

They continued to talk for hours, until Joshua started to doze off. By that point, Hansu had offered him some sort of pill, which he took. In his sleepy state, he would have said yes to pretty much anything.

Hansu had offered some healing, a therapy session. He’d spun it a bunch of ways, but Joshua was willing to give whatever it was a try. But he’d underestimated just what he was getting into, and now he wishes he would have been his usual smart, reserved self, instead of the fool he is right now.

His chin is resting on the toilet seat and his eyes are closed. One hand is pressed to his forehead, but he really wishes he can hide his entire being behind it. He’s embarrassed that he even thought to do something like this. He wishes he can shut the bathroom door. He would if there were even one to begin with.

Apparently, one of Hansu’s buddies accidentally crashed into it so hard it flew right off the hinges. They were drunk at the time, of course, and thought it was hilarious. No one thought, or even cared, to fix it. Besides, the kind of people who came to Hansu’s parties had no qualms about going to the bathroom in front of other people, and Joshua had seen a few of them get completely naked at Hansu’s place frequently enough to realize that hardly anything in their world was given specialized attention. People hardly batted an eyelash, even at the most idiotic, crazy things were happening right near them.

The bathroom hardly even deserves the name it is given. It’s really just an old toilet and an even older sink, which Joshua had never seen anyone touch, which must be why it constantly has a drip. The many hours he’d spent down here were accompanied by the slow, low drizzle in the background. While everyone else giggled and guffawed and chatted away, he was able to focus on it the entire time. It took a while for him to be able to ignore it, but he eventually did, and he started to find himself visiting Hansu and his friends regularly.

Done with retching, Joshua picks himself off the floor and stands, but a wave of dizziness sends his body back to the floor. The wooziness gives him deja vu. Suddenly, he’s back to the beginning of his journey, to the small, airplane bathroom he threw up in while en route to Korea.

Sad, slimy chunks had left his mouth and sprayed all over the bathroom and down his khaki cargo shorts and pink-and-green striped polo, the stench from which never seemed to go away. It’s lost somewhere or in Chan’s or Seungkwan’s or Soonyoung’s closet. He was sure he’d seen a suspiciously familiar-looking shirt in one of their rooms recently, but he can’t remember which, nor does he care very much about the loss. He is only happy he was able to pawn it off on one of them, a way to both get rid of the smell he could always sense―but that the others probably hadn’t noticed due to not knowing the story behind it―and to try and forget the uneasy mood that characterized his arrival in Korea.

Getting the chance to become a singer was amazing, truly the opportunity of a lifetime, one that he was lucky enough to have stumbled into. But it wasn’t all a field of daisies. He’d already had a life that he was used to and grateful for in LA. Yes, it was his choice to leave all that behind and face the unfamiliar, uncertain future that lay ahead. Yes, he knew that it might be accompanied by some pain. But he did it anyway, because if he didn’t at least give it a chance, he would regret it forever.

“Jisoo!” Hana calls, stumbling into the “bathroom” and interrupting his thoughts. She already seems drunk, even though she had just arrived, but she seems inebriated every time Joshua sees her, so he doesn’t expect anything less than her current state. “Jisoo,” she coos into his ear, paying no attention to the fact that the toilet is full of puke and his face is against the seat, his body lazily and carelessly hanging behind him, with sweat covering every inch of his skin. “Jisoo, are you listening?” She lets out a laugh, and Joshua can tell immediately that she’d pre-gamed pretty hard before coming over, like usual.

“Waeyo?” he croaks out. He doesn’t want to see anyone at this party right now. He hasn’t had any alcohol tonight, but with his decision-making skills from the past hour or two, he might as well have had a bunch.

She kneels down next to him. “Fuck, Jisoo, why do you always have to be so sexy?”

In his sober, but nonetheless idiotic, mind, he is able to tell that this sounds really stupid. But in her own drunk mind, looking past the complete and utter shit of the situation, all she’s looking at is his youth, his charming smile, his kind demeanor. All of which she’d complimented him on before and which are buried under all the hell that has been wearing down his body, his soul, his mind, his entire fucking well-being that is probably 0% well and 100% being a stupid, reckless, dumb-ass idiot right now.

But he’s at least in the right mind enough to realize that this is not the time to try and score. His head would have shot up in response to the ridiculousness of her statement, had it not already been yanked up by her hand. With better access, she presses her lips to his ear and whispers, rather loudly, that she wants him. “I don’t see how you can possibly be a virgin, Hong Jisoo. You’re just too wonderful and precious for this world. You’re so hot, and, god, you look really fuckable right now.”

“Don’t touch me,” he says as soon as he feels her lips on his. “Get the fuck away from me.”

She’s taken aback. Never in the few months of knowing Joshua had she ever heard him curse. “Jisoo–”

“Leave me alone.”

She looks genuinely confused. “Why are you being like this?”

Joshua can’t get over how dumbfounded she’s being. He’d turned down her first attempt to sleep with him from a few weeks before, but here she is, trying again.

“I can make you feel good.” Her hand travels to his jeans, but Joshua swats it away.

“Fuck off. I feel awful.“

She laughs lightly. “We all feel awful. That’s why we come here.” She’s wearing a necklace with a shamrock-shaped charm on it, and after some struggle, she pulls it over her wild, unbrushed hair and holds it out to Joshua. “I was saving this. I was going to find some hot idiot to do it off of later if I hadn’t seen you. But you could use it more than me right now, I think. Take it.” After Joshua doesn’t make any advancement, she tosses it in his direction, but he doesn’t move a muscle and it falls to the ground with a small thud.

“I don’t want it,” Joshua says, leaving her behind as he quickly makes his way over to the stairs.

“Jisoo, wait,” she calls, ditching her shoes so she can catch up to him. When she does, she grabs his arm and yanks him back. “What’s wrong? You seem really tense.”

“I told you, I feel fucking awful.” He turns before she can see that he’s about to cry and takes the steps two, sometimes three, at a time so he can get to the first floor and get the hell out of here. His dorm is not that far away, but the tears are coming out so fast, his vision is blurring substantially by the second.

He finds the coat closet and ducks into it. No one uses it, instead tossing their coats somewhere randomly when it gets too hot to bear. In the morning, Hansu always ends up with more outerwear, random socks and pants and the occasional undergarment than he knows what to do with. All of these get shoved into the closet as a form of tidying up.

There’s no light bulb in the closest, so he sits in complete dark silence for a long time. He’s not sure how long exactly. He’s balling as hard as ever right now. He cries himself to sleep, until there’s a commotion outside the closet that startles him awake.

He has to call someone. Pledis has been used to him missing curfew lately, and he’s surprised they haven’t kicked him out yet. But he might as well be as good as gone. He will be after tomorrow, anyway. Jeonghan had warned him that there was supposed to be a drug test for all the trainees. Had someone tipped them off about Joshua partying with Hansu and his crowd, he wondered. But Jeonghan had assured him that it was just precaution, to make sure they were all taking the best care of themselves that they could.

They hadn’t caught him, but they would tomorrow. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s still fucked. Enough to try and kill himself, rather than face the humiliation of getting kicked out and having to go home after spending all this time here. He wishes he can crawl in a hole and die. Not literally―at least not anymore, because he realized that it was stupid and wouldn’t solve anything. But it doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be a shitstorm and he’ll get dismissed for sure.

His hand touches the cool surface of his phone and he pulls it from the pocket of his pants. After pressing the phone icon listed under Jeonghan’s contact, he puts it to his ear.

He was the first one to talk to Jeonghan at the latter’s arrival at Pledis, and the two had struck up a deep friendship since then. If anyone has his back, it’s Jeonghan.

“Shua?” Jeonghan’s voice asks. “Where are you? It’s nearly 1 am. Should I come get you?” Joshua can hear Jeonghan looking around for shoes to put on.

“Please,” he whispers into the phone.

“Are you crying?”

“No,” Joshua says through tears.

“Shua,” Jeonghan says, his voice stern but filled with concern and sympathy.

“I am, okay. Just please come get me.”

“Where are you?” he repeats.

“I don’t remember the address exactly. Let me go outside and see.” Joshua makes his way outside and gives the house and street number to his friend.

“I’ll be there soon. Don’t go anywhere.”

“Okay.” He sits down on the sidewalk, and it isn’t until Jeonghan gets there and pulls him to his feet that he realizes he forgot one of his shoes inside.

“Forget it,” he says when he notices Jeonghan’s attention had gone to his feet.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please. I just want to get out of here.”

Jeonghan nods and wraps an arm around his dongsaeng, letting him cry into his shirt. They silently start their walk back to Pledis. It isn’t that far, but the fact that there are no buses and hardly any other transportation running at this hour really sucks, because Jeonghan is sure Joshua wants nothing more than to be home right now. And the only option is a taxi, but he’s also sure Joshua would want to be spared the embarrassment of being caught like this in front of anyone other Jeonghan himself. So all he can do is comfort his best friend to the best of his ability.

But he hates to see him cry like this. Cry over nothing. He knows that tonight’s excursion must have something to do with the impending drug test, so he can’t keep silent anymore. “Shua, you can relax. There’s no drug test.”

“What?” Joshua lifts his head to look his hyung in the eyes. “What are you talking about? If they called it off, they’ll probably still do it. That way, they’ll catch people who think they’re in the clear.” He’d seen a few people at the company drinking before, even though it was forbidden. And Pledis wasn’t made up of idiots. They knew some of the trainees drank, so they were going to do an alcohol test too. “If they told you that―”

“They didn’t tell me anything. Trust me, there is no drug test. I made it all up.”

“What?” Jeonghan had lied? “Why?”

“Because you needed to be scared. You’ve been a mess lately. Can’t you see it? I told you you needed to stop. I wasn’t saying that for nothing.”

“So you tried to trick me?” He was the entire reason Joshua went out tonight.

“You need to see how fucked up this is. You’re being stupid. I don’t want to be an asshole, and you’re my best friend, but I don’t want to see you like this.”

Joshua pulls away from Jeonghan and picks up his pace.

“Where are you going?” Jeonghan walks faster as well, especially now that Joshua is about to cross the street and isn’t even paying attention to the traffic. “Why are you so mad? I did this because I care about you.”

“You care about me? You really fucking care about me?” Joshua laughs darkly as he shakes his head.

“What?” Jeonghan prompts.

Joshua shakes his head again and turns away from Jeonghan, stepping out into the street.

Finally catching up, Jeonghan grabs Joshua’s arm to pull him back onto the sidewalk before he can become roadkill. “What are you doing, pabo? Are you an idiot? Of course I care about you. Why else would I try to get you off the drugs? Hey, really, what’s up?” Jeonghan reaches over to pull Joshua’s head up, and he forces the younger boy to look at him. “Hey.”

“I took a bunch of pills tonight.”

“You tried to kill yourself?”

Joshua shrugs. “I guess. If it came to that, I guess I didn’t really care. I just knew tomorrow would be hell and I’d gotten in too deep to easily fix this.”

"We need to get you to the hospital.” Jeonghan wraps his arms around Joshua’s waist and squeezes at his stomach in an attempt to get him to throw up.

“Stop,” Joshua says. “I already threw them up before I called you.”

Jeonghan is crying now too. He wants so much to be mad at Joshua, and he is, but one look at his face makes Jeonghan feel protective. Joshua had made some stupid decisions, even against his friend’s warning, but Jeonghan’s heart aches for him.

He pulls the younger boy closer by the wrist and embraces him, allowing him to press his entire weight on Jeonghan’s chest. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I didn’t know that’s how you felt. If I knew―trust me, I would have done something and not taken no for an answer.” He chokes on his tears. “I can’t believe you could have been dead right now. I’m really glad you aren’t. Shua, if you were―”

“Please don’t cry over me,” Joshua suddenly says, very blunt and abrupt. He’s stern, almost like he’s scolding. Like Jeonghan is being reprimanded for having a conscience, for caring.

“You’re my best friend. Of course I’m gonna be hurt that you’re going through this. That you almost died….That you…wanted to.”

“It’s embarrassing,” Joshua says into Jeonghan’s collarbone, thankful his face is hidden. “I’m humiliated. I was stupid. I was a pussy.”

Jeonghan pulls back and forces Joshua to look him in the eye. “You were scared. You almost killed yourself because I was a selfish, idiotic fuck who was afraid he couldn’t get his friend to see he deserved better. And I was jealous. I don’t know, it sounds really cheesy, but we became friends and all. We would hang out together all day, practice together. I just missed you, since you were always going off somewhere and you never told me until I found out. You know, sometimes I’d pretend to be sleeping when you snuck out. I wanted to know if you’d wake me and tell me where you were going so I wouldn’t worry in case I woke up later and saw that you weren’t there. I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t know what to do, since you wouldn’t listen to me.”

Joshua sighs. Jeonghan had tried, had followed him on a few occasions as well. He’d wanted so badly for his best friend to give up the stupid habit he’d acquired and get some help. But it felt like an escape for Joshua, so when he didn’t stop, all Jeonghan could think to do was tell Pledis. But he couldn’t tell them, of course, which is why he made up the lie to get Joshua to quit on his own. He’s a good friend. He cares. He hadn’t outright blabbed, and he isn’t interested in getting Joshua in trouble, only in getting him better.

“I was an idiot,” Joshua says.

“You’re weren’t.”

“I was ready to kill myself, and I almost did. I’m kind of pathetic. I didn’t even realize what you were trying to do for me.”

“Sometimes we don’t realize something is good right away. That’s life. Things are complex and layered. And you’re not pathetic, by the way.”

“I was childish. Why did I think it would solve all my problems?”

“Hey, those were actual, real emotions you were feeling. They’re valid. Everyone has those moments where it feels like the end of the world, at any age. It doesn’t mean you were being childish. You had a right to feel scared. Drugs are a serious thing. I sure as hell am scared right now. I’m literally shaking.” He held out his arm as a demonstration. “I almost lost my best friend, and I was part of the reason. I worried about you every day, and I had no idea it would come to something like this.”

Joshua closes his eyes out of embarrassment. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Please promise me you won’t do anything like this again,” Jeonghan says.

“Promise.”

“Open your eyes and say it. I’m not judging. Come on, look me in the eyes.”

Joshua opens his eyes and stares straight into Jeonghan’s. “I promise I will stop. It will probably be hard though, so I need you there.”

“Duh,” Jeonghan says. “I would have done this in a heartbeat if you’d asked before.”

They finally reach the Pledis building. “I know. Please don’t mention this to anyone?”

“Of course.” He flashes a smile.

“God, I really was an idiot. Why did I even shut you out like that? And how are you not permanently mad at me?”

“Because we’re best friends and I love you.”

Joshua can’t help but smile. “I love you too. And I absolutely promise not to do anything like this ever again.”